Im trying very hard to write now. And I think that makes it worse. I keep thinking I should write that down and then realize that if I go to the computer, turn it on, bring up mozilla and login I will have forgotten what I wanted to say and if I do remember it wont be funny anymore.

But nonetheless, I had a very wierd dream last night and the night before and I think it has something to do with reading all these damn twilight series books. They give you unrealistic views of love. And bless my lovely fiance because when I go screaming into the night about some retarded rant about feeling wanted or loved or whatever. He takes it, like a man, calms me down, or lets me cry, holds me or shoves a tissue in my face and takes it. And I think that is love. He absolutely puts up with my ravings, my abuse and my crazy need to feel.

Need to feel? (what does that mean:) I dont know but I am getting closer to the definition. I feel the need to feel. ha. there is a statement of a lifetime. Becuase we all know that I dont do things in half. There is only 100%. That's it. So if I am angry Im pretty darn angry. and sad, forget it, break out the kleenex, and happy, well break out the restraining jacket.

And as Simon says (ha...Simon says) its not my fault. "Your family is a major motion picture." It is? I guess it is? only since...well...ok if I think about it since forever. Things dont just happen in my family. THEY HAPPEN. yes that need to be capitalized. Because things in my family dont happen in halfs. I blame my mother.

She really is generally the source of the drama. Now dont get me wrong I would not have it any other way, BUT my grandmother is a calm, peaceful, nature loving women. Who doesnt fight with people and is a happy maker. Yeah Im allowed to make stuff up in my own blog, she is a happy maker. But my mother on the other hand is a story maker. And because of that she has passed on this life dramatics gene down to me. Its no wonder i got into theatre, its the only place where peoples lives are more absurd than mine.

Maybe it is because we cannot do as we are told. My mother ran off to my father 25 years ago because someone told her not to. I ran off with Matt because someone told me not to. and then I ran off to London. and then I started dating Simon. and then I fight with Simon because he does his best to tell me not to do things which I should probably listen to, but I like to. This is just a maybe.

About that dream. I have never ever, never ever, doubted about marrying Simon. And even in my dreams I know that my whole life is now centered around this man and our lives together (gag). However there are people in my life with whom (ha I used whom) I have unfinished business with. I will not name names. And if I am just completely honest with myself there is only one person, and I dont want my conflict with this person to haunt me for the rest of my life. But I just dont know how to shake the feeling that our lives are so twisted that we may never untangle them and put things right. So do I just give up? Accept the fact that we will always have these puzzle pieces that dont match the puzzle of life we are playing? Accept the fact that I cannot get rid of this person and the feelings that I feel are never going to be justified? I mean I know that my feelings are justifiable, ladies and gentleman of the jury, but I have this need to have them justified by this person. And yet I dont know if I have the energy to explain it for the fifty-seven hundred millionth time.

It's Christmas Eve, Im going riding at the barn, Im in London, so today is a HAPPY day.